Seriously, I kinda feel like Napoleaon and I kinda feel like I need an Arc De Triomphe.
Okay that’s not the most flattering picture of my face but I’m not a photoshop genius.
At my office, someone brings in snacks every Wednesday. Four people take turns (once a month) for four months then we switch people. Yesterday I needed to provide wonderful snacks to my hungry co-workers. After examining the budgeted limit ($25 for 30ish people), I ruled out buying bulk bagels, donuts, etc from restaurants because it’s expensive so I hit up Wal-mart. I decided to purchase mini bagels (pretzel, whole wheat, and plain), mini blueberry muffins, mini chocolate doughnut holes, butter, and cream cheese. Like a good girl, I watched my co-workers eat all my delicious food while I enjoyed my delivered breakfast and lunch. Towards the later afternoon, I could NOT stop obsessing about those stupid doughnut holes. It’s the time of the month where chocolate becomes medication. Finally I gave in and ate the two remaining doughnut holes.
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH was my immediate reaction. I instantly started berating myself for being weak and reaffirming that I will never lose weight. I made myself feel like sh*t. So I started looking at the remaining bagels and muffins which I quickly moved into the kitchen for the rest of the office. On my way home, I just wanted to binge ie the whole I’ve already ruined my *diet* so why not just keep going. So I kept bribing myself:
- You can binge but you have to workout first
- You can binge but you have to shower and do your hair first
- You can binge but you need to drink two glasses of water first
- You can binge but you need to read first
And after the reading, the desire to binge dissipated. I ate my dinner when I got hungry, went to bed, and woke up feeling ah-mazing! Though I’ve talked myself out of binges, I’ve never eaten an extra 200 calories (yes, I checked the nutritional content) and kept myself from bingeing. Normally, I’m a once you pop, the fun don’t stop kinda gal. But this time, I stopped and I learned a lesson. I learned that I’m not dieting or restricting. I’m learning how to eat again. Maybe I didn’t physically need those doughnuts but emotionally, I kinda did and ya know what, occasionally that’s okay. I ate my two doughnut holes and stopped. I got my fill (even though I initially wanted more). Even when I stop abusing food as a emotional crutch, there will be times I overeat from a variety of reasons or eat two extra doughnut holes: this is “normal” eating not perfect never eating outside of my meal plan. Life’s frankly too short to not eat chocolate (enjoy it).
