February has been a rough month. I’ve binged my way through half the month and cried randomly (including one lovely crying fest in the bathroom at work) which infuriates me because I had easily ignored desires to binge (except one night) throughout January. But February smack me back to reality. January had been filled with the highs of the new year and a fresh start. Emotional issues were easily suppressed and overwhelming cravings for comfort food had dissipated. But starting February 1, my self loathing and overwhelming craving to binge were back with a vengeance. I realized that I was not healed but actually had a ton of changes that needed to be made in my life. So yesterday, I began to explore a deeper relationship with God. After work, I hit the gym (45 min. elliptical + 15 min. hike on treadmill) and crashed on the couch to relax before Ash Wednesday church services. Next thing I knew, my hands were shoveling cheerios down my throat and I began to sob as I finished the box. After crying for an hour or two, I decided that I’d since I’d already binged, I might as well go to the store and get more junk food so I could continue to numb myself against the pain of the previous binge (insane, right?). But a faint voice in the back of my head told me stop and think. Would more junk food really make feel better? So I walked into my bedroom and grabbed my bible and journal:
And flipped through my newest book (which I plan on reviewing once I actually finish it):
I took a deep breath and said a prayer:
I lost myself in the words of the Bible and my newest recovery book. Time flew and when I finally looked at my cell phone, it was almost midnight (I get to work at 5am so you can understand my horror). But I felt refreshed and revitalized. I may have binged but I didn’t continue the binge. Instead I wrote about my feelings, my anger at my body, my frustrations with food, and my overall anxiety about the future. I prayed and read inspirational words of Scripture to help me deal with the depression and anxiety that had overwhelmed me. I remembered one of my favorite lines from Matthew which had helped me deal with anxiety and stress (this is not a quote directly relating to Christianity or Christian practices but merely a good reminder about staying present):
“So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”
-Matthew 6:34 (New Living Translation)
That’s my goal: to focus on today and not stress about the future. As opposed to worrying about future binges or never losing this weight, I just need to focus on how I’m doing right now in this moment. Because this moment determines the path of all my future moments. I may have had a rough month (so far) but right now, I’m relaxed and refreshed from confronting the negativity that threatens to overwhelm me. I might be sad or depressed tomorrow but right, I’m at peace.
How has your February been? Does anxiety about future (potential) problems ever stress you out? If so, how do you handle that anxiety?
