Recovery from multiple eating disorders and years of hating my physical appearance is the most difficult task that I’ve undertaken. Being consumed by an eating disorder and surrounding yourself with self pity/loathing is easy. You have an excuse for everything and don’t have to actually deal with those events and negative feelings that dragged you down in the first place. You actually have deal with all those emotions that have been buried for years. And it’s difficult. When you’re no longer abusing food or your body to numb yourself, you are left vulnerable and optimistic and terrified of the person you are becoming. Occasionally when you can’t handle the pain, you fall back into old behaviors or into the jar of peanut butter that’s been hanging out in your pantry for the past couple of months.
Over the past couple days, my unsatisfaction with my life and the decisions that I’ve made have become overwhelming. After a day of wanting to binge and numb myself, I finally gave into that damn peanut butter and chocolate chips hiding out in my pantry. It wasn’t a binge of my former days where I’d eat a week’s worth of calories in one night. But it doesn’t matter if a binge is 100 calories or 1000000000 calories. What matters is that I obviously still have issues with food. Most days I’m pretty healthy and happy with the progress that I’ve made in 2012 however, I still have my moments of insecurity (ie not going to a party because I’m embarrassed with the way I look) or eating salad when I really want a hummus filled pita. I’ve realized that I can not do this alone (which is a difficult thing to admit) and I know that I need to actually find a good therapist to help me deal with all my issues.
I’ve never blogged about therapy before but I have seen several therapists over the past couple of years. I saw a therapist during college after the April 16th tragedy. And I saw another therapist (who ended up dropping my insurance and sending me a letter abruptly canceling my appointments) right after I started bingeing in Fall 2010. Because of my obvious narcissism, I always knew that therapy was okay for other people but I was strong enough to deal with my issues by myself…which is completely untrue. I’m admitting here and now that I need help from a professional. And my main goal for February is to find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders and I am willing to see on a regular basis despite the residual negativity associated with mental health. In order to fully recover and not just fall back in anorexic habits (which may have contributed to my 4lb weight loss last week), I need to find professional help. And guess what, that’s okay. I need help and I’m going to find it.
Have you ever seen a therapist? How do you feel about the negativity that still surrounds mental health issues?
