January 26, 2012

Hummus With A Side of Eggs

This has been one crazy week. I’m officially on day shift (thank goodness), I’m getting my laptop fixed this weekend (my dad is doing it for free), and I lost 2.6lbs which means I’ve lost 8.6lbs in 2012. I’ve also been severely emotional all week but haven’t binged so I decided to reward myself with:

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Of course I didn’t reward myself with junk food!! Food is not a reward. I actually bought these:

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Peep toe leopard print wedges are a bit ridiculous but then again, so am I. Plus these shoes cost me a whopping $8…

Since I’m working days, I have no excuse not to make myself a decent dinner (no more tofu edamame nuggets and broccoli) but I’m not going to serve a four course meal for one. So I decided to make hummus with my favorite garbanzo beans:

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Seriously, Whole Foods brand are my favorite.

Now the key to creamy hummus is to boil your garbanzo beans for a few minutes:

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To save calories and fat I save the garbanzo bean juice from the can as opposed to using tons of olive oil (I add about 1T because fat is healthy) and tahini. Gather all the ingredients you want, dump into a food processor with the boiled garbanzo beans, and blend away. Adjust spices to taste (I use a random combination of lemon juice, garlic, and paprika).

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I had decided to make myself a huge salad for dinner however after cutting all my veggies, I realized that I didn’t want (another) salad for dinner even with my new hummus. I wanted an egg white omelet with broccoli. I decided to honor my hunger/craving so I dumped my prepped salad into a tupperware for lunch tomorrow. I cooked up an egg white omelet which I covered in salsa with a side of broccoli.

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I feel great for honoring my hunger cravings as opposed to eating the salad which would have left me unsatisfied with my meal. Instead I enjoyed what I truly wanted to eat for dinner and have a delicious salad all ready for lunch tomorrow.

Have you honored your hunger or any of your cravings recently? And how do you make hummus?

Posted in Musing, Random Food | 3 Comments »

January 24, 2012

Diets Don’t Work, What Does?

I’ve still been reading:

And taking lots of notes (I’m a nerd but it makes remembering the important parts easier):

And guess what…it gets scarier and scarier especially if you’ve been a longtime dieter.  Eat whatever I want?  Eat whatever I want whenever my body tells me I’m hungry?  Stop when I’m satisfied?  How can I actually trust myself to eat what I want, when I want, without gaining 80000000lbs?!? 

Intuitive Eating is scary especially when you are attempting to completely change your mindset and your view of food and dieting all by yourself.  Therefore I propose an online book club in which myself and readers of my blog can participate in an online chat about Intuitive Eating .  Every week I’ll post a summary of a chapter and post some questions (and my answers) to initiate a discussion about Intuitive Eating . 

So what do you think?  Would you be willing to participate?  Please leave me comments with your suggestion and/or your interest.  Dieting doesn’t work. So let’s figure out together, what does!

Posted in Musing | 4 Comments »

January 23, 2012

I Believe…

I believe that you are never too old for pink and sparkles.

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I believe in dancing in the rain.

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 I believe in love at first kiss.

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I believe in guardian angels.

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I believe that our lives fall apart so we can create a more beautiful and lovely life.

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I believe that you can never love yourself too much.

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I believe the best remedy for sadness is a smile.

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I believe that you can control your own destiny.

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I believe in miracles and fairy tales.

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I believe in happily ever after.

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Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

January 22, 2012

Rejection Is Always Difficult

Looking what I’m re-reading:

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I actually read Intuitive Eating way back in November 2010 around the time that I started bingeing. At the time I didn’t trust myself around food. I had begun to eat for the first time in years so all I wanted to do was to stuff myself silly! So I promptly laughed off the book and believed that listening to my body was a dieting myth. However over the past couple of months, I’ve become more and more confident in my ability to nourish my body without counting calories. I’ve actually lost six pounds in 2012 even with a binge. So I decided that I needed to re-read Intuitive Eating to help me firmly establish that connection between my body and mind.

One of the biggest challenges that I am facing is the “rejection of the diet mentality”. Now I know that diets like the Special K diet definitely don’t work:

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Seriously two bowls of cereal with a healthy dinner?!?!? That’s ridiculously unhealthy and you won’t find the solution to permanent weight loss.

My biggest problem is my internal calorie counter that never shuts off. Though I’m not counting every calorie, I have a mental tally of the day thats close to my actual calorie count (I typically overestimate). Plus I have a hard time letting go of my good/bad food mentality. I’m making progress: I didn’t finish any of the food that I binged on last Monday and it’s still in my pantry. However I’m scared of chocolate and nuts and bread and avocado. My goal is to start incorporating these foods in my diet. I plan on eliminating all food fears and moral attribution to food over the next couple of months. Because I totally plan on enjoying myself in Rome (and the rest of my life).

Have you ever read Intuitive Eating? Have you ever rejected the diet mentality (or have problems eliminating the good vs. bad food)?

PS My laptop is broken and getting fixed so I’m blogging on my iPad so please excuse my less beautiful posts!

Posted in Musing | 7 Comments »

January 19, 2012

Weird But Tasty Food Combinations

I love random food and taste combinations. For example I hate olive oil drizzled on top of hummus but I adore egg whites and peanut butter in my oatmeal. People (especially co-workers) think I’m slightly wacko about food. You should see people’s faces when I talk about spinach smoothies even though in the healthy living blogosphere I’m not hardcore because kale in smoothies disgusts me. However I’m not one to disappoint my blog readers (and co-workers tomorrow) by not mentioning my new favorite food combination (that will garner me many stares tomorrow) that involves only three ingredients.

Start with:

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Add:

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Top:

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And enjoy!!

Do you like weird food combinations?

Posted in Random Food | 6 Comments »

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January 18, 2012

Butter And Paula Deen And Type 2 Diabetes…OH MY!

News flash: Paula Deen’s recipes are unhealthy and being overweight can lead to a higher risk of diabetes.

In case you missed this interesting tid bit of information:  Paula Deen has had Type 2 Diabetes for three years!

I hate to be a beeyatch but who’s really surprised that the Butter Queen has Type 2 diabetes?!  And she’s a spokesperson for Novo Nordisk which is a healthcare company that specializes in diabetes treatment.  Ironic?

I kinda think that Paula Deen is being vilified.  First, her health is her own private business.   She’s NOT a role model or a government leader.  She’s a business woman who makes money from sponsors and selling her recipes.   Honestly she never owed the world an explanation in regards to her health.  She choose a lifestyle that resulted in her development of type 2 diabetes just like the majority of the estimated 23 million Americans with type 2 diabetes.  No one forced a hamburger on a doughnut bun down her throat.  And Paula Deen never made anybody make/eat any of her recipes or buy any of her products.  People need to start taking responsibility for their actions and doing research in regards to health and well being.  Blaming people like Paula Deen for making America fat will never solve the “obesity” epidemic.  I’m not overweight because of the pressure to look like a Victoria’s Secrets model (or Paula Deen).  I’m overweight because of my personal decisions/actions that I made in response to tough, emotional situations.

Paula Deen also states that she always claimed that people need eating moderation.  Her own words: “You can have diabetes and have a piece of cake. You cannot have diabetes and eat a whole cake”.  And I have to agree.  After years of starvation and bingeing, I’ve learned that the philosophy “everything in moderation“ is the best dietary policy.  Life is too short not to enjoy a piece of cake every once in a while (just not the whole cake if you’re diabetic).  Now personally I think that the majority of Paula Deen’s recipes are more of a “once a year treat” but that’s my personal preference.  Just like it’s your personal preference to eat McDonald’s or follow a vegan diet.

Frankly I think that people need to stop blaming big food business, hormones, antibiotics, meat, sugar, and Paula Deen for the increase in both obesity and type 2 diabetes.  I think food is a part of the problem but I believe that our modern lifestyle and societal demands greatly contribute to making America fat.  We are a society obsessed with food.  People buy homes based on the quality of the kitchen, every other advertisement is a food ad, we are inundated with contradictory advice regarding “healthy” food (Adkins or vegan).  I don’t know the answer but I do know that playing the blame game isn’t the answer.  All it does is distract people from the truth and the real reasons behind the obesity epidemic without solving the problem.

Besides, have you actually met anyone who believed Paula Deen cooked healthy food?

Posted in Musing, Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

January 16, 2012

And Then It Happened

2012 has been a fantastic year.  I’ve felt more comfortable and happier with who I am.  I stopped wishing and took action by starting to plan a trip to Rome.  Then today happened and I briefly fell apart.

Last night I hosted a dinner party for a group of girl friends before we saw Beauty and The Beast in 3D.  Because of an angel food cake disaster, I ended up serving a white cake (1 layer because I destroyed the second layer) with cream cheese pink frosting.  I had tons of leftover frosting so I decided to bake sugar cookies (this morning) to bring to work tomorrow.  After frosting the cookies, I had an overwhelming desire to eat a cookie.  I decided that I’d be more obsessed if I denied myself a cookie.  So I ate a cookie.  And I couldn’t stop thinking about those damn cookies.

In efforts to prevent myself from eating the rest of the cookies, I did a few workout videos, took a shower, read in bed, and even painted my nails.  But I couldn’t get those damn cookies out of my mind.  Next thing I knew, I was shoveling cookies down my throat, eating the peanut butter that had been in my pantry for a month, and crunching leftover chips from last weekend.  In 30 minutes I had stuffed myself silly and ended my “binge free in 2012″ streak.

At first I was angry and mad and wanted to scream and cry.  “I thought that this time would be different.  I was done being fat.  I was done bingeing.  I was going to perfect.”  And when I finally vocalized perfect, I realized what my mistake had been.  I had been expecting perfection from myself.  Even though I had written adamantly about the fact that 1200 calories is too low for the majority of women, I had probably been eating 1200-1300 calories per day over the past couple of weeks.  I’d skipped breakfast, part of lunch, and even dinner by convincing myself that I wasn’t hungry.  And today I got the reminder from my body “You starved me once, it’s not going to happen again“.

Instead of falling into a couple day “feel sorry for myself” binge funk, I’m going to take a deep breath, cry a few tears, and remember in this moment I can change my present and my future.  What’s done is done: I can’t go back in time and not binge but I can move forward and celebrate the successes that I’ve achieved this year.  I went FIFTEEN days without bingeing, without even wanting to binge.  I exercised 5-6 days a week, I slept at least 6 hours (which is huge for me), drank more water, and  actually began to let go of  self judgement.  Those successes don’t disappear because of a half an hour mistake.  What changes is my strategy for handling potential future binges.  And my resolve to honor my body and eat tomorrow according to my hunger cues.

Right now is a new moment, a new chance to make the right decisions without perpetual reflection of my past mistakes.

Posted in Musing | 13 Comments »

January 13, 2012

Exercise ADD

Thank God it’s Friday!  This has been the never ending week…

I’ve had a major case of exercise ADD over the past several weeks.  I haven’t wanted to run or ellipiticalize (yes I made that word up) or walk.  And when I put in one of my numerous workout DVDs:

I get bored about five minutes into the workout.  Sometimes I’m able to stick it out for the rest of the workout, other times I sit down and feel sorry for myself.  Yeah, I feel sorry for myself for being bored.  And then when I’m feeling particularly hysterical, I’ll have a good little cry about the fact that I’ll never lose weight because I don’t want to get on the elliptical…again.  I, also,  have a decent home gym to help motivate me:

Plus there’s a gym in my apartment building that includes three ellipticals, three treadmills, two bikes, and some random weight lifting machines.  I also have an amazing gym at work with all the machines that you’d ever want plus workout classes and it’s free!!  However, an elliptical is an elliptical whether it’s in the basement of your apartment or at the gym at work.  And sometimes, it’s super boring.  Then I remember I have On Demand from Comcast which has tons of exercise videos which is great for exercise ADD.  Some of the videos are 10 minutes and some of the videos are 50+ minutes (and every length in between).  So if you’re feeling really ADD (aka me this morning), you can do a combination of videos.  I’m going to give you a step by step instruction on how to find these awesome exercise videos.

First you need your cable remote:

Then press the On Demand button:

This screen should appear on your TV:

Select Sports & Fitness:

Sports & Fitness main menu:

Haha, Matt Lauer looks goofy.

Select Fitness Workouts:

Matt Damon does not look cute bald.

The Fitness Workouts main screen is divided into different sections like cardio, dancing, etc:

Select whichever category looks appealing and you’ll come to a list of workouts:

Scroll through the list until you find a workout that seems appealing.  When you select the workout, you can read a quick description of the workout:

I actually did this workout plus several other Kendra Kemerley dance workouts.  I’ve talked about how other dance videos drive me crazy but Kendra Kemerley chooses easy dance moves that are more aerobics than dance.  So I did 4 15 minute videos and got a great workout.  Plus I didn’t have to force myself onto an elliptical.

What do you do about workout ADD?  Would anyone like to see an instruction on how to find the workout videos on Fios?

Posted in Workout | 3 Comments »

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January 12, 2012

Projecting Judgement

On some level I think everyone is a little bit crazy.  Every single human being has his or her weird quirks that make them unique and provide a foundation for developing individuality.  Often these quirks or habits or traits are often categorized as harmless or summed up with ” [insert name here] marches to the beat of his/her drum”.  But when you have an eating disorder, your weird habits often make public appearances and typically the “papparazzi” are not as kind.  The majority of people don’t bother with words or comments but merely stares or weird looks.   And when you have an eating disorder (that you want to keep secret), you’re hypervigilant about the unspoken judgement surrounding you.  For the past year (you know 2011 where I shattered into a million pieces), I felt overwhelmed by the invisible judgement that surrounded me.  I almost craved for one person to make a comment, one person to call me fat, so I could explain: “I actually used to be incredibly skinny, too skinny.  And I had to gain weight.  I just gained too much.  But I really did use to be skinny”.  I needed the chance to emphasize that I wasn’t fat by choice, I was fat because of the years of emotional turmoil and my inability to break my dependency on food for comfort.

But I’ve never had the chance.  I’ve never had the chance to try to verbalize the reason behind my fatness.  Often I wonder what people think about me, people (former coworkers, acquatances, not close friends) who knew me when I was underweight and now when I’m overweight.  These are the people that don’t know my story.  These are the people who probably just think that I let myself go or I just gave up on caring about my appearance.

Then there are the people who don’t know me at all who have only seen me as the fat person that I am today.  These people who (I’m terrified to think) believe that I’m just another stereotype: a lazy person who eats junk all day long and doesn’t care about the obesity crisis.  In my insanity to feed the binge monster while trying not to fuel the overweight stereotype, I would go to multiple stores to gather my “comfort” for the evening.  Or make some excuse about a nonexistent boyfriend who could eat all this junk and never gain an ounce.  I needed social justification and clarification for my “crazy” habits, the crazy habits that were silently judged by all those around me.  Judged by the people to whom I craved the chance to share the truth behind my fat and my crazy habits.

In our crowded world, I felt the need to justify my right to occupy more space than other people.  I felt the need to jusitfy my fatness and explain that I was doing my best to change my weight.  I was doing everything I could do to change my addition to the obesity crisis.  And this incessant need only fueled my need to binge, my desire to deal with all the unspoken judgement.  So I ate in response to the harsh words that were never said by other people, the harsh words that I only spoke to myself.  The harsh words that I had imagined coming from other people, were only coming from me.

When you worry about judgement from the people around you, you believe that these people see your weaknesses and your crazy habits as harshly as you view them.  I saw myself as disgusting, fat, lazy, etc therefore I believed that’s how the rest of the world saw me.  When in truth, I have absolutely no idea what the majority of people think when they see me.  Actually am I that egotistical that I believe that people actually spend more than two seconds thinking about me (a person that they hardly know)?  And if that person does actually think I’m a lazy fatass, why should I care?  I should only care about what I think about myself.  So after months of soul searching, I’ve evolved to the happy place where I am comfortable with all of me (including these pounds that I’ve hated).  I’m comfortable enough to know that I can continue to change my life and not need food or exercise to sugar coat my self loathing.  And when you change your attitude about yourself, you change how you believe that people perceive you.  You change the way you carry yourself and you can change your life.

Take a moment to analyze the silent judgement surrounding you.  Is this judgement really from other people?  Or are you manifesting your deepest fears about the person that you are?   Can you change the way that you look at yourself and eliminate your self judgement?

Posted in Musing, Self Discovery, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

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January 11, 2012

One Of Those Days…

Gawd, will this week ever end?  I just knew today was going to be one of those days when I woke up at 5am.  After a bathroom break, I hopped on the scale and I lost 4lbs!

 A great start to the day but I’m in one of those moods that not even a 4lb weight loss can shake.

After getting ready for work, I called the project lead on the first shift to see if there were any open computers (aka someone from the first shift didn’t come in).  But of course there weren’t any computers available so I had woken up early for no reason.  I’ve been working the evening shift (2pm-10pmish) for the past seven months.  When I took this position I had NO idea that I would end up on shift work.  So back in May 2011 when we moved to our new facility, I chose to work the night shift even though I am a morning person because I thought it would help eliminate my binges (which it didn’t).  Instead it  just makes me cranky.  Fortunately I should be switching shifts soon because this whole evening shift is really dragging me down.

Me looking dragged down

So after my disappointment of no open computers on the first shift, I decided that I might as well workout.  I decided to put in one of my dancing videos because I was feeling sore and wanted a slightly easier workout.  So I popped in:

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After 15 minutes (5 minutes of which was a decent warmup), I realized that I am not a dancer nor a pussycat doll.   And why do I keep torturing myself with these stupid dancing videos?!?   So I decided to head down to the gym in my apartment and hit the elliptical.  I got downstairs and all three ellipticals were being used.  So I popped on the treadmill and managed to squeak out ten minutes running at about 10.5 minute per mile until an elliptical was free.  I jumped on the elliptical for 20 minutes until I had to go to the bathroom at which point I returned to my apartment.  I’m having a major case of workout ADD.

And because I feel like complaining some more, my apartment building is renovating the two apartments next to me.  So when I’m at home during the day it’s 24/7 barrage of saws, demolition, hammers, etc.  Enough to make me scream but it’s the only time the construction crew can work.

Admitting defeat against the construction Gods.

Fortunately I have a delicious bowl of oatmeal waiting to cheer me up.  And a long evening of listening to This American Life during work.

Oats with banana,  cinnamon, and peanut butter

Oh, I’m also having WAY too much fun with Instagram on my ipad.

Posted in Musing | 8 Comments »

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